|
| how many mistakes does a person have to repeat until he/she finally learns their lesson? or is it because they're too idiotic to even realize they are making a mistake at all? perhaps it's time for me to make myself a fancy dunce hat with my name on it and sit in the corner... family and friends say i ought to give myself more credit but through my eyes i live in a world where if i want to achieve successes, as the person i am, i really can't afford to be careless. i built myself a fallacy where i can not be weak physically and importantly emotionally...that i can not give into feminine side if i want to survive in this world, where there are no such things as damsels in distress...that i am the only person that i can trust and rely on. | | |
| reading back on the things i've written about, i can not believe i had to go through it again. though it was exactly the same, sort of, one thing that eases me is that i didn't fall as hard as i did the first time.
i wonder if it's really that unbelieveable that i am dealing with the same situation again or it is just karma doing its job. i keep thinking how i could have let this happen to me again, left behind for another girl. now i've spent a good month thinking how this could of happened, is it the boys i chose? is it me?...it has to be me. so i stare in the mirror thinking what's wrong, some parts i'm stuck with and some part i can work on...but shouldn't someone just like me for who i am? hmm, i don't think so, not in my case. i'm beating myself up even though i know it's not my fault. but i have to accept my situation, it is only the works of karma and i need to accept it. but. what about the 3rd time around? am i really going to be able to handle it as well as i did this time? that's what i'm scared of. i'm not afraid to fall for someone again, to risk it all and be open to it...it's just what if it happens again...that's what i'm scared of. i think i will break, cuz i'm holding on by a thread and i don't know how much i can take of it...hmmm...
one thing i really never thought of, but my best friend told me, she said he put him in your life to get over the first one and though the 2nd one did that to you & hurt you, it's because he knew you'd be able to pick yourself up from this one a lot easier.
"when God takes something away from your grasp, He's not punishing you; but merely empyting your hands to receive something better..."
| | |
| sometimes i think i can handle things on my own, that i would feel weak and useless if i asked for help. may be because i am too full of myself that i don't realize i need help, but sometimes i stress or worry too much that i don't even realize that i need help...
anyways this is my cry for help.
i've fallen down and been down there for quite some time...how? because i thought doing what makes me happy was that all it mattered, but i was only happy for a few minutes, or so i thought was happiness..i guess i convinced myself giving into temptation and lust was a way of happiness. i want to change, i want to forget, but if i got what i wanted i would never learn, i would never experience the shit i'm going through let alone feeling now.
i'm really blessed to have friends there to help me up, even though i have such a hard time asking for help, i'm so thankful that you guys knew without even having to ask..thankyou.
| | |
| i can't look in the mirror anymore without wondering what i have become.
i've thrown out most of my morals now, just to be with you.
if i could only confront myself a few years ago, i would have slapped myself so hard...
but i think it's too late to change now.
so, is it really worth doing whatever makes myself happy? regardless of how far down i will fall.
help me....
| | |
| i've found my role.
i think for the longest time i had always envied my friends for finding such great guys, most of them not even having to go through a few bad ones before they find their right one...actually most of them didn't even have to go through that mumbo jumbo. yes, i know i am too "young" to be bitching and complaining about not finding someone yet, but then again my friends are the same age as me and yet they have no problem at all. so when i do say that i won't find someone at this point, nor would anyone want to be with me, i was not bullshitting. just look at me now, look what i went through and what i am doing now. so please, don't say because i am too picky, because i am not, all i ask for is to get that same feeling in return, not just one way. i was hoping i didn't have to wait and go through a few bad guys, but i guess i will have to be one of them that does. so don't blame me if i feel self conscious or that i no longer have much hope...cuz so far, i had only one person in my entire life who, for just a while, felt exactly how i felt about them. even that is gone now, and yet i still try to grasp on, hoping you will eventually return as the exact same person before you left me.
two years now, i still feel like shit & i am still missing you. fuck.
| | |
|
